Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
