before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I am naked and annoyed.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
