this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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