I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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