You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
