What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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