I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
