her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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