What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My liver just had a heart attack.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize