I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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