I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
