haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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