The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
