you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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