When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
All the doctor said was why
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
