I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
