I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
