dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
