"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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