Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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