and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
