Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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