Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
