Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize