Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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