genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
