There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
