Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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