I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
