If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize