I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
