I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
