so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
