I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Randomize
