Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
