I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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