i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
