I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
