Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
