i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
