Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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