If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
