I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
