I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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