the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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