i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
