cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I smell like Dick and happiness
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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