Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
