You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
