walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
