Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
