OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
