I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
