I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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