LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
