I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
