dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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