it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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