Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
