I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
