New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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