The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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