i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
