I faked an abortion last night.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
