what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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