just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She told me I should be a condom model.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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