Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
